


sunlight on your skin

by kkulbear



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, University, they're jus goofy bitches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 17:18:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20510657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkulbear/pseuds/kkulbear
Summary: Time flies when you're being a dumbass.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sitrism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sitrism/gifts).

> Welcome to the fic that took me three mf months to write and I ironically finished it on sekai day LOL. So, here's this monster of a fic that i'm actually tired of now. I wrote this for my dear friend ela who actually got me into sekai in the first place so I figured she deserves to have something dedicated to her :^) luv u ela, i hope u like it <3

“No, I don’t think you understand the magnitude of this conversation, jackass,” Chanyeol spewed out through heavy lips. “There’s no fucking way that water is wet. It’s scientifically impossible.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s goddamn water. Water is the fucking epitome of wetness. It makes everything wet and you’re trying to sit there and tell me that bullshit? You’re deluded.” Jongdae crossed his arms over his chest, rolling his eyes and scooting back in his seat.

Chanyeol rose to his feet, nearly taking Baekhyun to the floor with him in the unexpected movement.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Baek-- Listen here you absolute dumbass it's COMMON SENSE. Water is not wet. To say something is wet means that the water on the surface of that something can be removed. You get caught outside in the rain you say ‘aw, my hair got wet, now I have to get it redone,’ ‘aw, my shoes got wet, now I gotta let them sit outside and dry.’ YOU DON’T SAY THAT THE. OCEAN. GETS. WET. IT'S JUST WATER. WATER IS WATER.”

“Baekhyun how are you still with--” Jongdae waved his hands in the air, motioning toward Chanyeol. “That.” 

“Don’t bring me into your dumbass argument. I don’t even want to be here. Why couldn’t we have gone out instead?” Baekhyun pouted, furrowing his brow.

“Hey! It’s not dumb! Besides, Jongin didn’t want to go out because he has class tomorrow.”

Baekhyun shot daggers at Jongin, making him suddenly feel small in his seat. “Anyways, Jongdae you stupid bitch, I’m only going to say one more thing and then we will never talk about this again.  Being a liquid, water is not itself wet, but can make other solid materials wet. Wetness is the ability of a liquid to adhere to the surface of a solid, so when we say that something is wet, we mean that the liquid is sticking to the surface of a material.” Chanyeol ran his fingers through his hair and shed himself of his jacket, red face indicative of how he was feeling. He took his seat back with Baekhyun and he laid his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. Jongin felt jealous of how they could sit together and just exist. How they could be so close in front of everyone. Jongin missed it, his fingers longing to reach out and wrap around Sehun’s bicep and rest his head on him; but Jongin made not a move. His eyes trailed over to Sehun who sat with his legs under him across the room. He raised his eyebrows as he made eye contact with Jongin. Jongin couldn’t help but smile, averting his eyes as quickly as they had met. 

“Yeah, I don't really think that water’s wet. I just love getting you amped up.” 

Chanyeol deadpanned at Jongdae, jabbing his middle finger toward him. “Eat a dick.”

Jongin heard Sehun scoff but didn’t dare look back across to him. He could already feel redness blossoming across his cheeks. 

“Did anyone bring anything?” Sehun’s voice cut through the silence.

“I did, I thought you’d never ask.” Jongdae said, holding up a baggie between his fingers. 

Sehun got up, walking over to the loveseat that Chanyeol and Baekhyun had taken up residence on. He reached behind the seat and pulled with him a long green glass piece. He sat on the arm of the loveseat next to Baekhyun and clutched it in his fingers, fishing a lighter out of his pocket.

“Jongdae can you bring some ice?” 

Jongdae rose, returning swiftly with a cup of ice and handed it to Sehun. He reached inside the cup, grabbing a few cubes and letting them slide into the bubbler, getting stuck right before they hit the water in the bottom reservoir. Jongdae produced a grinder, picking a few buds out of his bag and sticking them inside. He twisted it before handing it over to Sehun, letting him put it into the pipe. He packed it down, putting his mouth on the end and lighting it. He waved his lighter around the bowl, his breath pulling the flame inside as it bubbled to life. He inhaled, the smoke flowing up the glass and into Sehun’s mouth. He held it there for a second before the smoke bellowed out of his nose. 

“Who’s next?”

The room became hazy quickly as they passed it around, the still atmosphere causing the smoke to linger around them. Jongin had been skipped a couple times already when the bubbler made its rounds, but he could feel himself getting a contact high from the murkiness surrounding him. 

“Sit on the floor with me, Nini.” Jongin looked down, Sehun sitting there and looking up at him with red eyes.

Jongin smirked, sliding out of his seat as the pipe made its way back to Sehun. Jongin was honestly not too big into smoking unless it was with Sehun-- which the other was well aware of. Sehun lit the bowl, accumulating smoke before pulling it and holding it in his lungs. He turned to Jongin, his thumb pulling down his bottom lip and Jongin panicked, unable to move. His eyes went wide, waiting for Sehun’s lips to press warmly against his own. He felt like his breath was knocked out of him as Sehun leaned in closer, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly parted. Smoke was blown into his open mouth and it took Jongin a few seconds to react, breathing in the remaining smoke with his eyes still open wide. Sehun pulled back, smiling wide with his thumb still on Jongin’s chin. He trailed it down his neck, to his shoulder, down his arm, and let his fingers linger on his hand for a moment. His gaze stayed pointed at Jongin for what felt like too long and Jongin realised he was still holding his breath. 

He let the smoke out of his lungs, coughing madly as it whipped from between his lips. His eyes watered and his chest felt tingly from the bout of fear that had swept over him moments before. He looked up, dragging the heel of his hand across one of his eyes to wipe his tears and Jongdae was looking at him, an eyebrow raised.

“You good?”

“I’m fine.” Jongin’s voice sounded hoarse. 

Sehun stood up next to Jongin and he looked up at him, blinking once before the world became more vibrant than before. He felt a smile play on his lips as he made eye contact with Sehun above him. Sehun’s hand dropped to Jongin’s head, fingers carding through his hair before he walked away from him, making his way toward the minifridge that Jongdae always kept stocked with drinks and  _ drinks.  _ Sehun fished out a water bottle and was back beside Jongin before he knew it. Sehun uncapped the water and handed it to him. 

-x-

Jongin definitely wasn’t high when he made it back to his apartment. He wasn’t high when Sehun had him pushed up against the bathroom wall and he did nothing and wanted to do nothing to stop Sehun. Jongin’s hand caressed the back of Sehun’s head, sliding past his ear and pulling the joint that Sehun had rolled before leaving Jongdae’s place from behind his ear where he’d had it tucked away. Sehun smiled, nuzzling his nose against Jongin’s cheek and leaving one last kiss that Jongin felt on his lips long after he had pulled away. Sehun lit the joint and immediately passed it to Jongin, ducking to the side to reach inside the shower and turn the water on. 

Jongin squeezed the joint between his index finger and thumb, inhaling deeply and exhaling just as fast. Sehun’s fingers clutched at Jongin’s waist, making him shiver. He held out the joint to Sehun, his lips brushing against his fingers as he took a hit. He connected his lips with Jongin’s again, exhaling through his nose. His lips felt cold against Jongin’s, but soft nonetheless. His arms were around Jongin’s, their half-hard clothed cocks grinding together desperately as Sehun dipped his hands to knead his ass through his jeans. Jongin whimpered into Sehun’s mouth. He smirked against his lips, running underneath his waistband. Jongin took a sharp breath in, Sehun’s hands only one layer of clothing away from making contact with his bare skin.

Steam fogged the bathroom as hot water had been spouting from the showerhead for quite some time while they finished the joint. Jongin felt light and airy, his head was clouded by a feeling that made him feel like he wasn’t real. Even in this state Jongin felt a bit self conscious around Sehun. Sehun was fast to shed his clothes and pull back the shower curtain. His back muscles rippled beneath his skin as he ran his hand under the water.

“It’s hot.”

“I-- what?” Jongin was pulled from his thoughts and his mouth went dry when he heard the word “hot.” Jesus, Jongin was so easy to get flustered.

“The water, it's hot.” Sehun turned around and Jongin couldn’t help but stare. It definitely wasn't the first time that he’d seen Sehun naked. “I’ll get in without you, Nini, but don’t make me drag you in.” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. There was something underlying in his tone, Jongin could  _ feel _ it. The way the words rolled off his tongue was just too smooth. 

Jongin stood there, his mouth hanging open like an idiot before laughing at the way Sehun had wiggled his eyebrows. It wasn’t funny in the slightest and if anything he found it endearing but the only way he could express the tingling that was swelling in his chest was to laugh. Sehun looked at him, catching Jongin staring and he had a sultry expression as he stepped into the shower, the water striking against his body and wetting his hair as he was surrounded by the mist. Jongin looked at him like he was some sort of siren, tempting him to jump into the waters before him, to just take the plunge.

Jongin blinked a few times, his mind finally connecting the dots before kicking into gear. Two men, showering naked together, Jongin could put two and two together. He shed his jacket onto the floor and started to undo his jeans, fumbling with the zipper that had gotten caught on his underwear the last time he zipped it up. He let them pool around his ankles before stepping out of the pile of denim and pulling his shirt over his head, leaving him in just his underwear. Jongin felt small despite his size knowing that Sehun was going to see him naked again for the first time in weeks, he felt exposed and breathless. He hooked his thumbs in the elastic band and inhaled, sliding them down his legs and stepping into the shower with Sehun.

Jongin faced the shower head and let the water envelop him, feeling completely encased in the hot embrace. He heard a small laugh coming from behind him.

“God, you’ve always had such a nice ass, Nini.”

“Shut up.” Jongin felt his cheeks grow pinker as he blushed, his brow furrowing as he turned around and fuck was he hit with electricity. Sehun had pushed his fringe out of his eyes and he was dripping with water, his body was sculpted. Sehun was art.

Jongin pulled Sehun into him, kissing him again. This time the kiss was a bit more urgent and Sehun didn’t hesitate to slide his hands down Jongin’s back and squeeze his ass-- no fabric separating them this time-- before slapping his right cheek and rubbing the skin where his hand had smacked, soothing the sting against Jongin’s skin. Jongin nearly yelped, not expecting him to smack his ass and bit Sehun’s lip, groaning into his mouth.

Jongin was fuelled by pure lust at this point-- all he wanted to do was to make Sehun feel good. He  _ needed  _ to make him feel good. He longed to see his face tense with pleasure and to hear the obscenities spill from between Sehun’s lips because of  _ him. _ He started to kiss down Sehun’s chest, making him suck in air through his teeth as Jongin swirled his tongue around a dusty nipple. His hands lingered on Jongin’s hips and found themselves on his shoulders as Jongin settled on his knees. Sehun was already hard and he looked away, becoming a little embarrassed by how eager he was already.

The two fell silent as Jongin welled up some saliva and spit into his hand, not letting the water into his palm. Some video he had watched before the first time he and Sehun had fucked played in the background of his mind, a voice droning on that  _ water is not a lubricant.  _ He giggled softly.

“What is it?” Sehun looked down and Jongin met eyes with him.

“It’s nothing.”

Jongin ran his hand along Sehun’s length, making him shudder. Sehun took his hands off of Jongin’s shoulders, a single hand now resting at the back of Jongin’s head entangled in his hair. He gave him a few encouraging strokes before removing his hand and bringing his lips to Sehun’s tip. He kissed it, planting his hands on Sehun’s hips to steady himself. A gentle “ _ Ah, _ ” dropped from Sehun’s lips as Jongin’s tongue dug into his slit. Jongin brought one of his hands back to Sehun’s cock and used it to stroke what his mouth couldn’t reach. Jongin ran his tongue back and forth, stroking at Sehun’s frenulum just how he liked it. Sehun didn’t last long, his breathy moans bounced and echoed off the shower walls as his hips jerked, pushing further into Jongin’s mouth making him gag around his length. 

Sehun thrusted into Jongin’s throat, making spit ooze out of the corners of his mouth and drip onto his thighs below. Jongin couldn’t believe the sounds that were coming from himself as he involuntarily choked around Sehun but he didn’t want to stop, looking up at him and seeing his eyebrows knit together, jaw unhinged as his moans got higher and more desperate, chasing his end.

“Are you okay, baby?” Sehun said breathlessly. Jongin answered him by raising his eyebrows. He didn’t let up, he kept sucking, running his tongue over Sehun and swallowing around him until his pace stuttered and he pushed himself into Jongin’s mouth as deep as he could making Jongin’s eyes water before he pulled out of his mouth. Sehun tried to turn away but Jongin kept his hands on his hips, opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out. Sehun came on Jongin’s face and he made a show of cleaning himself up, using his fingers to collect the sticky ropes that adorned his face and sucking them clean one by one.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun said breathlessly. “It’s been a while, and the weed…”

Jongin smiled up at him, pressing his cheek against his thigh and leaving small kisses against his skin. “You don’t have to apologise.” Jongin was painfully hard by then. He stood up in the shower, nearly falling on his ass. Sehun caught him.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.” Sehun ran his hands over Jongin’s body, savouring every inch of him before turning him around and pressing his back flush against him. One hand stayed around Jongin’s waist while the other found its way to his dick, loosely pumping him and pressing his lips against his neck. Jongin rolled his head back, letting himself lean into Sehun and rest against his shoulder. Sehun’s pace quickened and his hand tightened around Jongin. Jongin’s own moans were growing louder, not giving any thought to the fact that he lived in an apartment complex as Sehun stroked him to high heaven. His chest heaved and his hands found their way to Sehun’s forearm, holding onto it for dear life. Sensitivity ripped through him as he tried to pull away, his body against Sehun’s giving him nowhere to back away to. Sehun rubbed the head of his cock with his palm, nearly making him lose his balance again. He turned slightly in Sehun’s arms, his mouth connecting to his neck and his teeth grazing Sehun’s skin before he bit down, anchoring himself back into the world as Sehun hissed through his teeth.

Jongin’s orgasm rocked through him, leaving him out of breath. He was shivering in the aftermath as Sehun rubbed his fingers along his softening dick, making Jongin twitch before letting it slip out of his hand. He was out of breath and felt weak beyond measure, his wobbling knees threatening to buckle at any moment. Sehun kissed Jongin’s cheek before bringing his hand to his neck, rubbing where Jongin had bit him.

“Shit, you did a number on me. I don’t even wanna see what it looks like.”

Jongin turned around on wobbly legs, facing Sehun and letting his fingers trace over the bite mark that had already started blooming into a deep bruise. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Ah… don’t worry about it. We’re on break after tomorrow anyways and I won’t have to worry about hiding it.” Sehun’s hand dropped from his neck and found its way to Jongin’s bare hip, pulling him closer. “But I bet it does look kinda cool, huh?”

Jongin reveled in Sehun’s touch, his arms automatically going around his narrow waist and feeling like he was holding onto him for dear life.

“You can say you got bitten in the neck by a snake.”

Sehun said something but Jongin couldn’t stop staring at his lips. How they stretched over his teeth when he smiled and how white and straight his teeth were. Did Sehun have dentures? He would’ve told Jongin, he’s sure of that. But how are they so perfect? Fuck, everything about Sehun was perfect. Jongin giggled to himself, his eyes trailing up Sehun’s face and meeting his narrowed eyes.

“Did you just hear anything that I said at all?”

“Huh?” Sehun was speaking that whole time?

“You’re still really stoned aren’t you.” Sehun said flatly, poking Jongin’s nose before stepping out of the shower, the water already off-- Jongin didn’t know when it got turned off or if he had even actually  _ showered _ in the shower.

“Of course I am.”

Sehun held out his hand to help Jongin step over the wall of the tub. “Come on, Nini.”

  
  


Sehun pulled Jongin down into the sheets, the older laying on top of him with his arms tightly pressing their bodies together.

“I don’t know if I can get hard again, I’m really fucking high.” Sehun’s voice sounded like an echo in Jongin’s head.

“Me too. That’s okay, you don’t have to.” Jongin was a little disappointed, he wanted Sehun to fuck him again, wanted to feel Sehun inside of him because it felt like it had been so long since they had last been connected at the hips.

“I’ll try, hold on.”

Jongin scooted off of Sehun as he grasped his shaft, tugging at it and trying to urge it back to life. Jongin was endeared seeing him like this. Sehun’s dick was still a decent size when it was soft, but Jongin couldn’t help but think how cute it was. Jongin’s mind went blank as he watched Sehun stroke himself, he was taken over by pure lust. His mouth went dry and he wanted to reach out and touch Sehun, but the image of him trying to get it up with his eyebrows downturned and bitten lips was too fucking good to disrupt.

“You’re so fucking hot.” Sehun whimpered a little, his cock starting to harden in his hand. 

Sehun slowed his pace, opening his eyes. “Thank god. Lube?” 

Jongin rose to his feet, grabbing the bottle out of his underwear drawer and handing it to Sehun. He sat gingerly on the bed, waiting to be told what to do. Sehun clutched the bottle in his hand, raising to his knees above Jongin. He looked down at him, matching his gaze. Sehun looked like pure sex, his wet hair dishevelled and his eyes half lidded, lips swollen and red with his hand gripping the base of his cock. Jongin swallowed, his throat feeling thick. Sehun tapped his dick against Jongin's lips a couple times, he kissed the blushing tip, never breaking eye contact.

“Roll over for me, yeah?” 

-x-

Sunlight shone through the blinds and welcomed Jongin back to the world of the living. He had slept hard— and better than he had in what felt like ages. The bed felt so warm and he resented the fact that he had to venture out into the cold air to start his day. His eyes eased open, the blinds on the window up enough to where he could peer out and see the backside of the city. He could tell it was still early, as the light outside still had a rose-coloured tinge projecting itself upon the wispy clouds in the sky, and although it was a Tuesday morning, what he could see of the streets were still relatively empty. Jongin loved his little apartment and all that came with it… the view, quiet neighbours, and it was still pretty close to grocery stores and restaurants-- a suburban fucking dream. Jongin figured he had it pretty good. He took a deep breath, about to roll over when he realised he was pinned down by an arm, a warm figure moulded against his back.  _ Sehun. _

Jongin could feel Sehun’s lips pressed against the nape of his neck, his hot breath gently tickling his skin with every exhale. Jongin blinked a couple times before getting up the nerve to wiggle himself from Sehun’s grip. He rolled over to face Sehun, his arm still neatly draped over Jongin’s middle. Sehun was a heavy sleeper and Jongin took advantage of the fact, holding onto those fleeting moments before he would stir awake. Jongin wedged his arm between them, tracing his finger over Sehun’s bottom lip and up onto his cheek. He held his hand there for a moment, palm against Sehun’s cheek as he gazed upon his pristine features. He was so fucking beautiful. An ache struck his chest as he took a deep breath in, wavering before retracting his hand and pressing himself into Sehun’s chest. 

“I don’t get a good morning kiss?” his voice rumbled in his chest, deep with hints of sleep laced in his words. 

Jongin made eye contact with him briefly, looking up at him through his eyelashes before letting them nearly fall closed. He pressed soft kisses to Sehun’s jaw with a gently open mouth, letting him take the lead when he angled his head down and captured Jongin’s lips. Sehun’s were soft against his own. The kiss was lazy but it still made Jongin’s heart flutter to the point where the butterflies in his stomach had razor wings and were fighting to get out. Sehun kissed hungrily down Jongin’s neck, leaving a slick trail of spit on his skin. Jongin took deep breaths, his breathing getting faster as his chest swelled. He felt everything all at once and it nearly made his heart physically hurt. He sucked in a sharp breath and pushed Sehun back by the shoulders, throwing one of his legs over the younger and straddling his hips. He planted his hands beside his head before connecting their lips once again.

The physical part of this all was easy; it felt natural and Jongin swears they had done this a hundred times-- it was actually eight, Jongin had kept track up to that point… but seven of those had all been when he and Sehun were  _ together,  _ number eight was last night, and Jongin noted that they were inching closer and closer to nine. The air felt stale in Jongin’s room as Sehun advanced their kiss, running his fingertips along Jongin’s sides and made him shiver. He licked into Sehun’s mouth and grinded down into his hips, eliciting a groan from him. Jongin could feel Sehun’s length hardening beneath him so he rutted against him again, suddenly feeling needy as if Sehun’s touch could put him back together and make him feel like a complete person.

“Oh fuck,” Jongin watched Sehun’s small mouth as he took in deep breaths-- nothing like Jongin’s panicked ones-- and bit his lip as his hands settled on Jongin’s hips. He would have laughed at how easy it was to get Sehun riled up-- and that's one of the reasons he thought that they would last, honestly. When it was Jongin, Sehun was weak. Jongin knew what he liked and could get him going at the flip of a switch… it made him feel powerful. 

Sehun’s hand connected to Jongin’s elbow, sliding down the length of his arm and grabbing his wrist. He brought Jongin’s hand to his mouth and kissed his palm, nuzzling into his hand and gently caressing it against his face. His stubble tickled Jongin’s hand but his skin was silky smooth. Jongin’s chest felt heavy again as Sehun pulled him down, connecting their bare fronts together. and it all felt too intimate for Jongin in that moment. Sehun was too sweet, treated him too well, seemed like he loved him too much for someone who had broken his heart just weeks before and Jongin felt like he couldn’t take it.

“I’m supposed to be in class in like ten minutes.” Jongin spoiled the moment a bit, hoping that Sehun would take the hint.

“It’s the last class before break, I’m sure you can miss it this time Nini.” Jongin sighed in affirmation as Sehun kissed the top of his head before letting him go. “Go if you need to, I know you’re busy.” he paused briefly. “But I do want you to stay.”

_ But you didn’t before. _ Jongin wanted so desperately to speak his mind but he stayed quiet, rolling off of Sehun and letting his feet touch the cold floor for the first time that morning. He crossed the room, hearing the bed creak as Sehun propped himself up on his elbow to watch Jongin get ready. Despite the time constraint, Jongin took his time. He stepped into a fresh pair of boxer briefs and pulled on some jeans and a white t-shirt.

“You look pretty.” Sehun had said, causing Jongin to jump when he realised that Sehun had crossed the floor and wrapped his arms around his waist, his head perched on his shoulder. Jongin liked the way it felt in his chest but he still knew that outside of his apartment everything would cease to be. The pair would go back to being almost-strangers and just another couple who couldn’t make it work and Jongin resented the fact. They were good friends before-- one might even dare to say best friends. But they simply could not go back to being  _ just  _ friends again. Not after everything that had happened.

Sehun and Jongin had been in this weird in-between where on the outside they acted like they had never laid eyes on each other before. But once they hit the safe haven of Sehun’s dorm or Jongin’s apartment, it was right back to how they were before they broke up. All the touchy-feely lovey-dovey honeymoon phase bullshit would come right back and it made Jongin feel like he was being punched in the gut whenever he saw Sehun in class or with their mutual friends. Just knowing that it was so easy for Sehun to pretend like there was nothing between them made him feel so used but he couldn’t help himself from crawling back into Sehun’s arms behind closed doors.

“Thanks. I have the glow.”

“The glow?” Sehun chuckled and poked Jongin’s cheek. “You mean the ‘I-got-fucked-last-night-glow?”

“Something like that you clown.” Jongin could feel his cheeks warm when Sehun kissed his face and let him go, turning to walk out of Jongin’s room.

“I’m gonna go on and head back to my dorm, Nini. I’ll see you after your class unless you--”

“I’m probably going to start home right after class, it's a long drive.” And while Jongin  _ was  _ trying to avoid Sehun so that he could stop feeling so fucking empty inside, the long drive was not a lie-- about three hours away from where they were currently standing if you speed-- which Sehun was well aware of having come home with him on more than one occasion to meet his family. Jongin’s family had been so accepting of Sehun, treating him like he was part of the family. Sehun’s family had not been so keen on the fact that Sehun was gay and so when he and Jongin got close, he brought him home with him every chance he got so he felt like he belonged somewhere. This was the first time Jongin would return home without Sehun on his arm. Truthfully he did feel bad about leaving Sehun alone on the break… but it was just three days plus the weekend so Sehun would have to survive on his own. 

“Oh. Well I guess I’ll see you after the break then. Stay safe, Jongin.”

And with that, Sehun left.

-x-

The ride home felt much longer than it ever had before on account of Jongin making the trek to his hometown alone. There was no one to fill the silence as he drove down the road and his bluetooth wouldn’t connect in his car so the thought of replacing the silence with music was out of the question. And not to mention the dull ache in his right knee from keeping it slightly bent to maintain equal pressure on the gas pedal on the winding road. He rolled into his hometown at about nine at night. Jongin came from a very small town so the only presence he was welcomed with was the glow of the traffic lights blinking at empty crossroads and darkened shop windows down the shell of a mainstreet. Jongin appreciated the silence in that moment, he felt like he was in a movie.

His house was dark as he pulled into the driveway, parking right before the garage that surely held his mom’s car. The key in his hand felt heavy; he hadn’t really been home since the New Year seven months earlier. Once he slipped into the darkened house he felt like he was a teenager again sneaking in past his curfew. Life as he knew it melted away as he was transported to a simpler time as the seemingly unoccupied house engulfed his senses. Jongin played along, stepping on the memorised path he had taken as to not make a sound on the way to his room. He travelled up the stairs, taking extra care to walk on the outer parts of the steps rather than the middle where they would elicit a loud creak in the silence.

Once in the safe haven of his old room he let his bag fall to the floor, flicking on a lamp and sitting on the edge of his bed. The light cast a yellow glow to his room, illuminating the walls gingerly. He pulled out his phone, unlocking it and laying back on the tiny twin-sized mattress, arm behind his head. He checked messages he had missed which turned out to be a couple from a study group chat he had joined and then of course Sehun. He would be lying if he said he was surprised by the fact. 

**Hunnie 7:48 p.m.**

_ miss u _

_ can’t wait until break is over, i wish i could’ve come with you :^( _

Jongin felt a pang of guilt. His fingers had just started typing when he heard the door ease open. He looked over to see his mother standing in the doorway, a big smile on her face. 

“Nini you’re home!” she said. He was up in an instant to decrease the distance between them, pulling her into his arms and feeling her firm yet gentle squeeze against him. She felt and smelled like home, the overwhelming familiarity that hit him nearly brought tears to his eyes.

“I should’ve told you I made it in but I thought you might be sleeping.” 

She pulled away from the hug, a hand lingering on his arm. “Are you hungry?”

He followed her closely down the stairs after she insisted he come to the kitchen with her. The kitchen was in disarray-- as to be expected with the beginning of Chuseok. His mother had been working tirelessly and aimlessly to prepare different foods for the impending visitors that would grace their presence the following day. And his mother let him try most of what she had been working on preparing.

Jongin finally made it back to his room after gorging himself on his mom’s cooking, actually getting the chance to relax. He pulled out his phone, turning it off of  _ do not disturb  _ and redialing the call he had missed from Sehun while he was downstairs. It felt like he waited forever for him to answer, the ringer droning into his ear. He almost decided against it, the urge to hang up and send him a text instead. Finally a click and silence came from the other end of the line.

“ _ Hey. _ ” Sehun’s voice was husky and Jongin could hear sheets rustle against the microphone.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No, not at all. I was just laying here, sorry it took me so long to answer.” There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just thinking a bit.” Sehun sighed contently.

“Tell me about it.” Jongin prodded.

“It’s really nothing, I just… It’s just hard around this time of year. Just seeing everyone around their family and everyone being too busy for me.”

“I’m sorry Hunnie.” Jongin’s mind reeled as he listened to Sehun’s calculated words, as if he had been wanting to say them for a lifetime.

“No, I’m sorry. That probably sounded super selfish…” Sehun’s voice got low. “I’m just lonely.” He drew another long breath, shaking as it exited his lungs.

“Hey, hey no I understand and it isn’t selfish. Wanting something like that isn’t selfish you deserve to not be lonely,” Silence again. “It’s not your fault, you know that? I know you blame yourself for what happened with your family and I know you always say ‘what if I hadn’t told them’ and a whole bunch of other ‘what if’s’ but it's not your fault, Sehun. You didn’t choose to be who you are and you shouldn’t feel bad for accepting yourself enough to come out.”

“I don’t think I ever really told you what happened, did I? Just kind of glazed over it. But they didn’t even bat an eye after telling me to leave, do you know how fucking damning that is? Like you go for so long with your  _ family  _ and just because you’re one thing and not the other they can just drop you like that. It’s so fucked.”

“You can’t choose your family but you can surround yourself with people who won’t do that shit to you. What they did  _ was  _ fucked up and you don’t deserve that, you never have. I can’t change what they’ve done to you or where you came from but you always have our broken little family at school. Jongdae, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun would do anything for you.  _ I’d die for you. _ ”

_ Pang.  _ There it was again, the guilt tangling itself between Jongin’s ribs and making its presence known. He should’ve brought Sehun with him, why did he have to be so selfish?  _ He wouldn’t be like this now if I had only brought him home with me this year.  _ Jongin’s mom had even questioned him on the phone when he said that he would be coming home-- only him. She seemed almost frantic asking if Sehun was sick or if something had happened between the two. Jongin had brushed it off and said Sehun was just going elsewhere for the holiday. What a fucking cop out. 

“Jongin?” Sehun was crying and Jongin wished for nothing more than to be where he was. He sounded so pitiful, so weak, so unlike himself and it made Jongin feel so bad.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

-x-

**big troll 7:43 a.m.**

_ he said he loved u? Did u say anythign back? _

  
  


**nini 7:44 a.m.**

_ ……… _

**big troll 7:44 a.m.**

_ idk what to expect from this because if u say no ur heartless but if u say yes then ur a weak bitch. so which is it, kim?  _

**nini 7:46 a.m.**

_ can you quit being so fucking loud i know how much of an idiot i am for saying it back. _

_ but i don’t care. i do love him. _

**big troll 7:49 a.m.**

_ this is the same sehun that broke up w u without giving u any kind of reason however many weeks ago. why r u letting him come back in like this? why r u guys getting close again now? i didn’t think u were even on speaking terms _

**big troll 7:52 a.m.**

_ ... _

_ jesus fuck _

_ you guys have been fucking around havent u _

**nini 7:52 a.m.**

_ listen chanyeol _

_ don’t be upset that i didnt tell you _

**big troll 7:53 a.m.**

_ oh im not upset jongin :) _

_ not at all, no _

_ not upset that you just so happened to omit that small little detail from me _

_ im not upset :))))) _

**nini 7:54 a.m.**

_ you’re scaring me _

**big troll 7:55 a.m.**

_ this changes the pretense of everything u know that right. what even are you guys? _

**nini 7:55 a.m.**

_ i wish i fucking knew. i want to get back together with him, which is why i even did any of what I’ve done. _

**big troll 7:56 a.m.**

_ ??? _

_ am i missing smth lol _

**big troll 7:59 a.m.**

_ you mean to tell me that your ex that you still have feelings for tells you he loves you and you’re still slipping into sad boi hours? what’s ur issue _

**nini 8:01 a.m.**

_ it sounds super simeple but istg its not. _

_ *simple fuck _

_ he’s the one who broke up with me. not the other way around. _

**nini 8:06 a.m.**

_ im p sure he doesn’t even mean it that way. like there’s no way he could come at me with an ily and mean it after breaking up with me. maybe it’s a “haha love u jongin ur like my best bro!” kind of love b ecause it wouldn’t make snese anhytoher way _

**big troll 8:06 a.m.**

_ ??? _

_ are u good? _

**nini 8:07 a.m.**

_ sorry the kids just arrived and jumped me which means i: have to go now. _

_ have a good chuseok yeol. you didn’t help me at all but i still appreciate it  (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ _

**big troll 8:08 a.m.**

_ happy chuseok, asshole  *:･ﾟ✧ _

Jongin shoved his phone in his pocket before doting on his favourite family members, crouching down and pulling his niece and nephew into a hug. He kissed their cheeks and they smiled at him, as if waiting.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled. He raked a hand forwards through his hair, making it splay across his forehead and cover his eyes. He let go of the kids and was on all fours, a growl erupting from his chest. “The bear’s gonna get you!” He said as they screamed and giggled wildly, running to the next room to hide.

Jongin called out loud enough so they would hear him. “I smell you in my cave somewhere. I’m gonna get you!” he lumbered forward on his hands and knees, making his way into the empty dining room. He could see their feet under the small gap between the tablecloth and the floor, listening to them whisper to each other without being able to discern exactly what they were saying. Jongin crawled close to the table, snarling at them before grabbing the cloth and jerking it upwards. They screamed again, darting out of his grip before he got the chance to catch them. 

Jongin meant to turn without the table cloth still in his grip, however when he tried to follow them he ripped it down, glassware falling onto the hardwood floor and shattering. Jongin froze, looking at the crystalline shards and hoping to god that no one heard it. The quick footsteps advancing from the kitchen told him otherwise. He looked up from the ground to see his mom towering over him, he smiled and sat up on his knees, fixing his hair.

“Hello, Mother.”

“Jongin what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m playing with Seojoon and Seoyeon--”

“Don’t try to blame this on the kids, they’re in the kitchen.”

“I’m not trying to blame it on them, they were just here I was playing bear and then--”

“Just clean it up and get off the floor.” She said before turning away and going back into the kitchen. 

Jongin’s mom was stressed around this time of year, especially once the other parts of their family came in which was understandable so he didn’t press it past that trying to explain himself knowing how hard she worked trying to make sure everyone enjoyed the holiday-- even if it was at her expense. He stood, adjusting the table cloth and sweeping the crystal up, disposing of it in the kitchen where he found Seoyeon and Seojoon sitting on barstools and drinking juice. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Jongin stood there expectantly with his hands clasped in front of him.

“Could you wash the dishes?”

Jongin nodded, rolling his sleeves and dipping his hands in the lukewarm water. Before long, he felt a presence at both of his hips. He looked down, Seojoon and Seoyeon standing next to him. He bumped both of them playfully and smiled, rinsing a soapy dish and placing it in the drying rack.

“Where have you been?” Seoyeon was the first to break the silence.

“School. My school is far away from here so I have to stay somewhere else.” he explained.

“Do you miss us when you’re gone?” she continued.

“Of course I do, more than anything.” He smiled down at her.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Seojoon was getting to the meat of things quickly. Jongin was taken aback, not expecting his little nephew to press him with such a matter.

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” Jongin laughed at the question. 

“Oh, so you’re lonely!”

“Oh my god where are you learning this stuff?” Jongin pleaded with them, not being able to hide his embarrassed smile.

“I have a girlfriend.” Seojoon said proudly, as he hugged onto Jongin’s leg.

“You have a girlfriend? Aren’t you too young?”

“Hey, why isn’t Sewoon here?” Seoyeon interjected.

“Sewoon? Who’s Sewoon?”

“The one who always comes for Chuseok!”

“You mean Sehun?”  _ Pang. _

“Yeah!! Sehun!! Where is he?” 

“He didn’t want to come this year.” The atmosphere changed and Jongin went from being on a high to being right back where he was last night.

“Why not?”

“I dunno.” Jongin cut them off, rinsing the last of the dishes and wiping his hands on a clean towel near the sink. He turned and made his way to the living room, sitting on the floor next to the couch where the real adults had all holed up and had begun talking with each other. They were catching up, and Jongin just listened to their endless conversations about how things were before and how much things had changed. He listened to them talk about stories he had heard dozens of times about things that happened before he was born. Jongin always liked when the older members of his family gathered. He liked to sit there and listen to them speak without actually having to give any input to the conversation. 

Time sort of slipped by him as he went through the motions of a family dinner and holiday celebrations. Most traditions were for the kids and since Jongin had transcended the age of which traditions no longer feel as special as they once had. He enjoyed watching the kids’ eyes light up when they received small gifts from the older members of the family. Jongin barely noticed when one of his uncles held out a box to him. He nodded his head, letting out a gentle  _ thank you  _ before opening it to find a box of cookies and other snacks. Jongin moved around the contents inside, taking a look at his haul of food and noticed something glinting white in the bottom of the box. He curled his fingers around the neck, pulling it up ever so gently just to read the words etched into it. The bottle was round and glossy, a small note taped to the side that read:

_ We know how university is. Have a drink on us! _

_ Love Heejin and Jiho _

He smiled up at his aunt and uncle, they were already looking at him expectantly, Heejin winking at him before returning her gaze to her own children. Jongin put the bottle of Andong Soju back into the box closing it up for safekeeping, watching the festivities that ensued around him. 

-x-

Jongin was a lightweight. Jongin knew he was a lightweight but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from drinking the soju he had been given-- and Andong soju was strong. Everything fused together in his mind. He didn’t remember the bus ride much after a certain point. He had sat down in a seat toward the middle, a kid who looked younger than him sat a couple rows in front of him on the opposite side. Jongin could see how red his eyes were and they just looked at each other, the boy smiling at him, knowing how fucked the other was. But beyond that, what Jongin remembered most were the lights. The streets were covered in neon, immaculate shades of purple, red, and blue fogging his memory. He felt like he was in some kind of dystopia, as if the world had ended and the only three people left on the Earth were the bus driver, the high kid, and Sehun. Jongin reckons he even fell asleep on the ride back to Seoul considering how goddamn long a bus ride from his hometown back to school was. It was a stupid decision to make the trek back in the middle of the night during Chuseok no less. Not to mention he wasn’t sure if he had even grabbed his wallet and had no will to urge his arms to move and tap his pockets for the familiar lump.

The night air was cooler than he had expected, with the temperature still being pretty warm during the day. The September night air didn’t strike him as cold, but still he had goosebumps rising on his exposed arms. The campus seemed a lot more beautiful at night, being illuminated only by moonlight and lamps littered every so often along the concrete footpath, it was something that evoked a poetic feeling out of Jongin-- that or he was just so incredibly wasted. His feet somehow took him the familiar route that he always found himself taking one way or another, finally ending up at his destination hours after he had started. Four in the morning never felt so sweet. 

The door flung open and Jongin stumbled in. Cool air drafted through from the hallway behind him, ushering in the smell of alcohol.

“What the fuck? Jongin? Do you know what time it is?”

“Hey, Sehunnie. I’m back just like you wanted.” Jongin’s words were slurred as he spoke and the boy was holding onto the door knob for dear life as if he was going to float away at any moment.

“Are you drunk?” It was odd seeing this side of Jongin especially compared to how well he had at least kept himself composed when they drank together before. It was like he was a whole other person.

“You bet your sweet ass I am! It's how I really do my thinking if you know what I mean.”

“I-- I don’t know what that means. Come in, are you okay? How did you even get here?” Sehun sighed. “You didn’t drive, did you?”

Jongin trudged in and shut the door behind him, shaking his head to answer Sehun’s last question. He tripped forward on the rug before catching himself. He sank to the floor and leaned back on the heels of his hands in the middle of the floor. Sehun walked over to Jongin and knelt down, holding his arm out to him, expecting him to take it and stand up. Jongin reached for his hand, holding their palms together.

“What’s on your shirt?” Jongin reeked of alcohol and some mysterious green liquid stained the front of his white tee-shirt. “Let me get you a shirt or something.”

Sehun grabbed a hoodie that Jongin had left there before and helped him out of the ruined top and getting the fresh hoodie over his head-- which was not an easy task considering Jongin wouldn’t stop fucking wiggling. 

“I have something to tell you, hunnie. And it took my drunk ass to figure it out.”   
  
“Hm?”

“I hate myself for what I am and what I’ve become. I hate myself so much.” Jongin’s eyes had gone glassy and his face was twisted. Sehun sighed again.

“You’re insufferable, you know that? You storm out of here like an idiot then you come back drunk off your ass expecting me to babysit you. I knew you were an emotional drunk. Oh god, Jongin please don’t cry it’s okay.”

Jongin had tears rolling down his cheeks already along with an ugly sound erupting from his throat. “You’re just like an angel, Sehun. A guardian angel, it's like you were sent to save me.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Sehun sat on the floor next to Jongin and attempted to comfort him. Jongin grabbed him before he even had the chance.

“I adore you so much. I knew my ass was gay but I’ve never liked anyone the way I like you. You’re so fucking special.” Sehun couldn’t help but to crack a smile even though he was trying to be tough.

Jongin pulled Sehun into his lap and was squeezing him against his broad chest like he was a teddy bear. Sehun would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying it. 

“God, you’re such a brat. What am I supposed to do with you.”

“I don’t love you anymore, Sehun. I’m over you.” voice rising, his sobs got louder with the last word out of his mouth. 

“Is that why you’re drunk and crying in my floor?” Sehun managed to pry himself out from Jongin’s vice-like grip just enough to touch his face. Jongin found himself at a steady sob, tears continually flowing from his eyes. Sehun’s hand rested upon Jongin’s cheek, caressing the smooth skin. Jongin leaned his head into his hand and closed his eyes a bit. 

“Don’t you love me?”

“I love you, Jongin.”

“You won’t say the same thing in the morning. You really don’t mean that.” Sehun pulled his hand away from Jongin’s face. “You don’t love me.” 

“You’re the drunk one, Nini. Who’s really saying shit they don’t mean?” Sehun paused. “Besides, it's already morning.”

Jongin whined. “Don’t! Come back.” Sehun sucked air through his teeth and put his hand back on Jongin’s face, he once again leaned into it and closed his eyes.

“Come on, you can’t fall asleep on the floor.” Sehun wrestled himself out from Jongin’s death grip and held out his hand to help the older boy stand. 

Jongin actually took Sehun’s hand this time and held it even after he was standing. Sehun led him to his bed and helped him in, bringing a facial cleansing wipe along with him so that he could at least clean Jongin’s face before he passed out for god knows how long. Jongin laid back in the bed, the oversized hoodie swallowing him and almost making him look small as he laid there. Sehun swiped the facial cleansing wipe over his face, leaving behind a subtle glossy sheen on his skin and the distinct scent of jasmine.

“Kiss me, Sehun.” 

“Hm?”

“Kiss me. I want you, please kiss me.”

Sehun sighed and a look of pain slipped across his face almost like Jongin’s words had flipped a switch in his brain. “Why can’t you ever do this when you’re sober, Jongin.” He tossed the wipe in the trashcan near his bed and sat on the edge. “You hurt me when you do this, you know that right?”

And for once Jongin was speechless even in his drunken state. Him? Hurting Sehun? He could’ve laughed right then and there.

“You broke up with me and you want to talk about being hurt?” Jongin took a deep breath. “Do you know how much it hurts to see you act like nothing ever happened between us most of the time and then when we’re alone it's like nothing ever changed in the first place? You know how fucking disorienting it is?”

“Yeah? Well I only broke up with you because I know that you didn’t want to be with me in the first place. After the first time, anytime we would go to do anything together you wanted to smoke or drink, how do you think that made  _ me  _ feel? Knowing that my own boyfriend couldn’t stand to be sober when we were together?” Jongin was dismayed at Sehun’s words-- he was right. Looking back on it Jongin had a nasty habit of wanting to get high or drunk before he and Sehun had sex, but it was because he was nervous not because he couldn’t stand Sehun. He couldn’t understand why someone as pretty and funny would want to be with someone as ordinary as he saw himself. No matter how many praises he got on his body or his face, he never felt like it was ever true and being so exposed in front of Sehun fucking terrified him. 

Jongin placed his hands on his head. He still felt incredibly hazed but the magnitude of the conversation he was having with Sehun was pulling him back down, making him choose his words wisely and concentrating on what he said so that he wouldn’t fuck up more than he apparently already had. “It’s not like that, Sehun. It was never like that.” 

“Then what is it like? Answer me, why do you always do this? You’re the one who pushed me away. I did us both a fuckin’ favour.” Sehun stood before him, his arms crossed and Jongin again felt small. He felt like Sehun could pick him up and toss him out the window without even batting an eye. This was the worst case scenario. Jongin  _ did  _ love Sehun. In fact, Sehun is the only person Jongin had ever loved in his life and his chest swelled just thinking about it. He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed Sehun’s lip trembling, his strong facade faltering as he tried to remain tough in front of Jongin. “Just sleep, Jongin. It doesn’t fucking matter anyways, it never fucking mattered.” Sehun’s voice broke with the last syllable and he turned away, a deep breath shuddering out of him. 

“Wait, Sehun. Please--” Jongin sat up in bed, reaching out to him. Sehun turned his head slightly, his eyes pink and his cheeks stained with tears already. He didn’t respond to Jongin, he simply headed to the door and walked out. 

“Fuck.” Jongin got out of bed and made his way to the door, his hand resting on the knob and the magnitude of his drunkenness falling on him. How the fuck was he supposed to find Sehun? How the fuck was he supposed to do anything like this?  _ You’re so stupid. You’re so fucking stupid.  _

Jongin sat on the floor, his ass smacking the ground harder than he expected and the pain caused his eyes to water. He put his hands over his face, unable to stop the tears that were now flowing at a steady pace from his eyes.  _ Go to sleep, go to sleep  _ he chanted to himself. He just wanted to wake up normal again, he didn’t want to be drunk anymore. The feeling was suffocating, nothing felt real and dissipated into a soft buzz in his mind that wouldn’t exist tomorrow. Sehun’s dorm light cast a yellow glow over the room, making Jongin feel like he was going to be sick at any moment but he pressed the feeling that was inching out of his throat back down to keep it at bay. He laid back, spread across the floor and felt a lump under his head. He ignored it as best as he could, no motivation proving strong enough to move the annoying bump that felt like it was burrowing into his skull. 

Jongin didn’t know when he fell asleep but he knew that it was still dark outside. The light beamed through the barred window and caused him to stir. His mouth was dry amd his back felt like his spine had been replaced by a rotting two-by-four. He groaned, sitting up to an empty room. It took him a moment to realise where exactly he was but the memories come flooding back quickly. He could’ve kicked himself for being such a dumbass. He could remember most of the conversation with Sehun but everything past that had been obliterated from his head-- the pounding in which starting to get hard to ignore while he tried to sort everything else out. 

He patted the space beside him until his fingers brushed something cool to the touch. He grasped it, holding it in front of his face and clicked the home button, his phone illuminated and the light made him squint at how bright it felt. He scrolled down his notifications, missed calls from his mom littering his lock screen and he made quick work of his fingers, sending her a text letting her know that he was fine and that he had just went back to school for a bit. He scrolled through his contacts until he got to who he needed. The line buzzed in his ear until the husky voice on the other end finally answered.

“Trouble in Paradise?” Jongin was silent. “Jongin?”

“Hey. I fucked up.” Jongin raised his knees, resting his cheek on it.

“What do you mean? What happened?” 

“I don’t even know… Honestly I came back to school last night at the fuck crack of dawn and my aunt and uncle had gotten me Andong soju so I was plastered. And I just wanted to talk to Sehun so I came to his room but like… shit came out. Real shit.” Jongin squeezed his eyes shut. “Found out why he broke up with me! Turns out it actually is all my fuckin’ fault so… there’s that.”

“Did he say that?”

“Well, yeah Chanyeol he made it pretty clear that he thinks I can’t stand him.” He forced out a laugh, trying to lighten the situation if even just a little bit. There was a pause on the other end of the line. 

“Do you want me to come get you?”

“No, its okay. I have to make things better.” Jongin’s voice felt softer. “But could you bring me some coffee?” Jongin made himself sound tiny, knowing that Chanyeol had a soft spot for him.

Chanyeol sighed. “Sure, Baek’s coming though.”

“But he’s so loud.” Jongin pouted, whining into the receiver, but Chanyeol was already gone.

-x-

“So I watched this movie a couple days ago where this guy thought he was like nineteen but he blinked and suddenly was surrounded by technology and was actually forty-one. Honestly, I've been thinking about it ever since because it would be terrifying to lose your youth like that and just lose all time between nineteen and forty-one. Don’t you think so?”

_ Can you  _ please  _ shut the fuck up.  _

Jongin put his hood up, walking along the campus sidewalk with Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Their hands were laced and Jongin had his fingers wrapped around a hot coffee-- nothing special, just black. The warmth made his head feel less like it was about to explode and save for the jitteriness that went along with the caffeine, the coffee was making him feel a little bit better. However, the fact that Baekhyun had never been silent a day in his life made him feel like Baekhyun was holding him down and personally driving stakes into his ears. He loved Baekhyun, he really did but with such a wicked hangover he wanted nothing more than to crawl into a quiet hole and maybe die there because at least then he’d be at peace.

Jongin could at least concentrate on walking and not listen to the boys beside him talk for the moment. He liked that, though. They were kind of like a buffer, he could almost live vicariously through them. Watching them interact was almost like watching a tv show because they always seemed to fit so perfect with each other… they were always so comfortable together and jesus fuck their relationship was almost so perfect that it was unrealistic. 

“-- yeah so it turns out that he actually murdered a family.”

“Wait, really? After all that it was to get him to remember the past twenty years?”

“YES! Can we please watch it together, Yeolie, I think you would really like it.” Baekhyun wrapped his other hand around Chanyeol’s bicep and Jongin swears he could see him turning a gentle shade of pink. They’d been together since before Jongin had even known them and Chanyeol still blushed because of him. How fucking perfect!

“How are you guys like this?” Jongin came off a bit harsher than he meant to, his brain to mouth filter had been thrown completely out the window. “I mean… How did you get so comfortable around each other?”

“What do you mean?” Baekhyun had turned a bit, now facing Jongin.

“I mean like… your relationship is just so nice all the time. Nothing is off limits and you do everything together and it just seems so good.”

For once Baekhyun was silent. Their pace had slowed down and Jongin’s coffee was mostly gone already. Chanyeol was the first to pick the conversation back up.

“We just talk… And we’re best friends too. Baekhyun is just my person, anything good or bad that happens to me I want to tell him or show him or get his opinion on whatever. I think it has a lot to do with being open about-- well, everything. Nothing can be a secret, you know what I mean?”

Jongin nodded. “ I know what you mean.” 

It was a simple answer, but one he was too stubborn to work out on his own. Jongin needed to talk to Sehun, he knew that already. His friends’ words were just affirmation that he needed, a push in the right direction. Chanyeol grabbed Jongin’s arm, stopping him from breaking off from the two of them and they came to a halt. 

“Maybe you should wait just a bit before you go to him. I know he’s at Jongdae’s because Dae texted me this morning about it.” Jongin knew exactly what that meant. He was probably high or drinking which put a huge damper on things. “Just wait until he goes home, I’ll tell him to let me know when Sehun leaves, okay?”

“We can go to our dorm, you can sleep there for a while if you want. Unless you wanted to go back to your apartment. Completely up to you.” Baekhyun offered.

“Well, I don’t have my car here because I’m a huge dumbass… So I think I’ll have to take you up on the offer. Thanks.”

The trip to their dorm was quick, making it there in about five minutes flat. Chanyeol and Baekhyun had some things to do so jongin was left alone for the time being. He collapsed in Baekhyun’s bed, knocking out in a heartbeat. The sheets were cool against his skin and the pillow was almost helping to ease his throbbing head. 

He had a flurry of dreams that forced him awake every so often, nothing he could really remember just colours and swirls were in his head when he would peel his eyes open. He felt like he was on acid, his chest igniting like fire every time he found himself awake. He couldn’t do this much longer-- he felt like he was having a heart attack when he woke up the last time. He sat up straight in Baekhyun’s bed, holding his head in his hands as he drew quick breaths. He felt like he was unable to do anything about the situation at hand-- about both Sehun and whatever the fuck was happening to him now.

“Are you alright?” Chanyeol was beside him, his voice close. Jongin looked at him, he could feel tears running down his cheeks and he still couldn’t breathe properly. His heart felt like it was too big for his ribcage and swelling bigger every second.

“I think I’m having a heart attack.” 

“Do you feel numb anywhere? have any pain in your left side?” Baekhyun chimed in from beside Chanyeol.

“No, I just can’t fucking breathe. Chest feels… weird.”

“Is that why you’re crying?” 

“I don’t know why I’m crying.” Jongin's hands trembled in his lap and he felt so fucking cold.

“He’s having an anxiety attack Yeol. We have to calm him down.” Baekhyun straightened. “Do you want some water?”

Jongin shook his head. 

“Chanyeol, lay with him. Just comfort him.” Baekhyun said, taking a seat back in Chanyeol’s bed and pulling out his phone, resuming whatever he had been doing before. 

“Do you want me to…?” Chanyeol’s voice trailed off.

Jongin nodded, scooting over to make room for him on the twin-sized mattress. Chanyeol sat with his back against the headboard, his legs stretched out. Jongin put his head in his lap, one of Chanyeol’s arms around his shoulders and the other playing with his hair-- it was a reassuring gesture and Jongin concentrated on the way that his fingers slipped through his locks, tugging gently before grazing his scalp and repeating over again. Chanyeol was warm, knocking the chill from Jongin’s bones. He was still crying, hard enough now where he was whimpering no matter how quiet he tried to be.

“Hey,” Chanyeol whispered, “Sehun left Dae’s place so he should probably be home by now. You can go over there once you feel better and get everything sorted, hm?” 

Jongin nodded his head, not finding any use in speaking. The hand that Chanyeol had around Jongin’s shoulders went to his back, rubbing between his shoulder blades and settling into a calming rhythm. 

Jongin felt at ease, his chest not thumping as violently as before and all that remained of his tears were drying against his cheeks. He felt so lucky to have the friends that he did in times like these. They took care of him and he appreciated that beyond words. 

Jongin sat up, Chanyeol’s hands leaving him and he regretted it because he was still so fucking cold. 

“Thanks for the brother cuddles.” He arched over Chanyeol’s outstretched legs and hit the floor.

“Are you going to Sehun’s?”

“Yeah. I have to rip this off like a bandaid because it’s fucking with my head. There’s really no use in prolonging whatever’s gonna happen…”

“Remember what you texted me yesterday morning? Everything’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

“I hope so.”

“Good luck, Jongin.” Baekhyun looked up from his phone. “Come back if you need us, you know we’re here. Always.”

“Text me. And be safe.”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for playing Dads for a few hours. I really appreciate it. See you later.” He felt solemn leaving them behind and he didn’t know why. He felt so close to his friends in this moment. He stepped out of their dorm and closed the door behind him, once again the familiar destination in mind.

-x-

  
  


“Hi.”

“Hey.”

Jongin closed Sehun’s door behind him. Sehun was at his desk, back hunched over as he read over some papers he had gotten back from his last day of classes. He didn’t turn to meet Jongin, just brought his fist up, resting his chin on it and sighing deeply.

“We should talk…”

“No, don’t worry about it Jongin. It’s fine.”

“Please don’t say that when you know its not. Can’t you at least look at me?”

Jongin watched as Sehun’s shoulders rose and fell with the deep sigh that was pushed out of his nose. He swivelled around and Jongin got a good look at him. His eyes were red which meant he had either been smoking or crying and Jongin didn’t think either option was better than the other. Jongin recognised the look on Sehun’s face, he knew he was putting up a front. It was the same face he wore when he had gotten kicked out from his family’s house. He looked angry but his eyes told otherwise; Sehun was sad. Sehun had sad eyes in general and had ever since Jongin had known him. Sehun was a broken person and the way his lip trembled as he stared Jongin down from across the room made Jongin want to forget anything ever happened, make time reset to when they were still boyfriends when they both were seemingly happy at least for a little while. Jongin wanted to hold Sehun, hold him so tight that Sehun could pretend that Jongin was holding all his broken pieces together. But here they were, in the showdown of the epitome of their feelings for each other colliding without a clue of what to truly do about it between either of them.

“I probably overreacted a bit last night, and I apologise for that.” Sehun said, his jaw had unclenched and the way his voice rose indicated that his eyes were in fact red from crying. 

“You didn’t, Sehun.”

“But what I said are my true feelings. I meant every word.”

Jongin blinked, remembering just vaguely what Sehun had said, most of it a distant haze, so unthinkable that it was almost like he had dreamed it all.

_ “You hurt me when you do this, you know that right?”  _ Jongin had never wanted to hurt Sehun and he didn’t even realise that he had. 

“I am so sorry about everything… I didn’t realise that I had hurt you like that.” Jongin’s word came out awkward and over-calculated.  _ Jesus just be fucking normal.  _ But everything felt different in this moment. He almost felt like they were two strangers talking, miles away from the people they were yesterday.

“Then why? I just want to know why.” Sehun uncrossed his arms, his brows raising and his eyes becoming suspiciously wet.

“Fuck, Sehun. You have no idea do you?” Jongin rubbed his face with his hands, sitting on the edge of Sehun’s bed. It almost felt embarrassing to talk about but Baekhyun and Chanyeol crossed his mind, how they talked about everything no matter how embarrassing.  _ You just have to  _ talk. “I’ve been afraid of you.”

“Afraid? What do you mean  _ afraid?”  _ There was a hint of sadness in his words.

“Nothing like that, I wasn’t genuinely scared of you… I was just afraid of what you’d think of me, that I wasn’t going to be good enough for you or that I wasn’t just… enough in general. So being high or drunk made it easier to not be scared and to just loosen up so I didn’t feel like I was shaking or hesitate to take my damn clothes off.” Jongin cast his gaze to the floor, he couldn’t bear to look at Sehun now.

There was a beat of silence and Jongin felt like he could choke on the air he was breathing right then and there. He heard Sehun draw a deep breath before he laughed in spite of the situation. Jongin didn’t know whether to be relieved or to be terrified as he jerked his gaze up to meet Sehun. He was holding his forehead and wore a big grin. “We’re really fucking stupid, Nini.” Jongin pouted at him. “Don’t look at me like that, we’ve been fucking pining over each other for god knows how long-- even when we were dating? And neither of us could even say what we were thinking. That’s stupid, we’re both dumbasses.”

“I really am sorry, I--”

“No, don’t be. I’m sorry for not even asking beforehand. Us both assuming what the other was thinking was our hamartia.”

“Hamartia?”

“It lead to our downfall.”

There was silence between them again but it was more comfortable than before. Jongin could stand to look Sehun in the eyes but he still couldn’t tell what the other was thinking at this point.

“What’re we gonna do now?” 

“Well… I know what I want to do. But what do you want?”

Jongin thought for a moment. “I want whatever you want.”

“You know how I feel, Jongin. I told you last night on the phone.”

“You love me~” Jongin said teasingly, his tone wagging up and down as he spoke. He couldn’t help the smile that was on his face.

“Why are you like this. Of course I do, Nini.”

“I’ve loved you for years, Sehun and I think I always will.” Jongin fiddled with his hands, rubbing the pads of his fingers together. Sehun got up and sat next to him on his bed, taking Jongin’s hands into his own and running his thumbs over his smooth skin. “We should’ve just talked from the beginning. It would’ve saved a lot of time for us, a lot of sadness. I want you, Sehun.”

Jongin paused for a moment, but there was still so much he wanted to say and fuck was he on a roll with the whole honesty thing thinking back to what Chanyeol had told him.

“I want to be your best friend, you’re my person and I want to tell you everything good and bad…” Jongin doesn’t know when he started crying again, but Sehun mirroring the tears rolling down his own cheeks was a pretty good indicator. “I want you and everything that comes with you, your heavy baggage, your early mornings and late nights, the way your hair gets so fucked up when you sleep without you even moving.”

Jongin couldn’t press himself to speak anymore.

“When did you become so fuckin’ corny, huh?” Sehun said, pulling him by the shirt and hugging him tight. He buried his face in Jongin’s neck and squeezed him. Jongin turned, pulling one of his legs up on the bed so he could hold Sehun properly as opposed to receiving a half-assed one-sided hug (regardless of the fact that Sehun really was trying his hardest). 

Sehun was the first to pull away. He swiped his thumb across Jongin’s cheeks and wiped away his tears that were still falling. “Why’re you still crying?” His voice sounded tired and still kind of broken, he had no business asking a question like that when he was in the same boat.

“This scared me, Sehun.”

“Yeah? Me too… This goes beyond just us dating, you know? You really are my best friend and if I had lost you from something as dumb as this I’d never be able to forgive myself.”

“I’m too whipped to let that happen. Its going to take a lot more than a stupid fight to get me off your back.” 

Silence spread between the two, but it was comfortable. Jongin nuzzled Sehun’s neck with his nose before resting his forehead against his shoulder and closing his eyes. Sehun kissed Jongin’s head and took his chance to spread out on the bed, patting the small empty space beside him. Jongin followed suit, throwing his leg over Sehun so that their thighs were intertwined and he could rest his head on Sehun’s shoulder. His phone was poking him painfully through his jeans so he pulled it from his pocket, checking for notifications and answering back a text before putting it on the shelf above Sehun’s bed an arm's length away.

**big troll 6:43 p.m.**

_ u good??  _

**Nini 7:01 p.m.**

_ Everything’s gonna be okay _

_ (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) _


	2. after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after

Jongin stared at his fridge, sleep still fresh in his bones. He felt groggy and had wandered aimlessly down his hallway and into the kitchen to get a glass of water. His throat was on fire and the feeling had jogged his memory as to why he was staring at the magnet-clad fridge. He paused for a moment, a small grin on his face as he let his eyes follow the pictures stuck to the door of him and Sehun. He sat down on a barstool at the island that lined his kitchen, condensation already forming on his water bottle as he twisted the cap and took a big swig from it. Footsteps led in from behind him, arms wrapping around Jongin and lacing together across his chest.

“Can’t sleep?”

Sehun nuzzled against Jongin’s neck, his nose tickling him just the slightest bit. “I was sleeping fine until you ripped the covers off of me and shook the bed getting up.” He laughed, planting a kiss on the side of Jongin’s throat.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I’m wide awake now.”

“Me too.” He released Jongin and strode to the cabinets. He swung the doors open, hand on his hip as he peered in on the shelves. “Nini?”

“Hm?”

Sehun turned around, something clutched to his bare chest. “Can we please make this? I’ve been looking at it all week hoping you’d take the hint.” he whined, revealing a box of cake mix in his hands. 

“You wanna bake a cake now?”

“Yeah! Why not?”

Jongin got up, pulling a big mixing bowl out of the cabinet and setting it on the counter. “We need oil, eggs, and water.”

Sehun scrambled to the fridge, grabbing the box of eggs on the top shelf in the door and closing it with the swing of his hips. He picked up the box of cake mix and read the back of it carefully. 

“So… wet and dry ingredients need to be separated into different bowls… mix well… grease pan..” Sehun plucked the bag of powder from the box and discarded the cardboard over his shoulder. “We don’t need this.” Jongin giggled, watching it fall to the floor. He backed up against the counter and put his palms flat against the surface, hoisting himself up and sitting on it as he watched Sehun get to work on baking the cake. He mixed the oil, eggs, and water in a bowl meticulously before adding in the actual cake mix. Jongin felt lost in Sehun’s presence, feeling so happy that he was there with him and that he had the privilege of watching him bake a fucking cake at 2 a.m. in his underwear.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” Jongin was pulled from his trance, Sehun’s eyes capturing his own, this time he didn’t look away.

“I love you, Sehun.”

“You’re getting so cheesy on me, come on.” He said, dipping his finger in the cake batter and poking Jongin’s nose with it.

“Hey!” Jongin jutted out his lower lip, hopping off the counter and rubbing his nose against Sehun’s shoulder. He caught Jongin, pinning his arms down against his sides and he just held him there, his eyes flitting down his face and to his lips. He pressed them together and retreated quickly, just a small peck before doing the same to the tip of his nose and then his forehead.

“I love you too, Nini.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me comments of any kind!! Whether you loved it or hated it, I'd really like to hear about it heh
> 
> So, to note a couple things. Chanyeol's little water monologue is inspired by [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugyqOSUlR2A) LOL. I had a lot of fun writing this and honestly it made writing fun again. I was stuck in a rut for a while there where I didn't enjoy it and I couldn't come up with any ideas anymore so this fic really was refreshing since most of what I've written in the past has been... sad... to say the least. Thank you if you made it this far, I really hope you've enjoyed it. Thank's for reading :^)
> 
> also the title is inspired by [this song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-xCvjK8Lds) Because I obviously can't help myself when it comes to naming my works after lil peep songs.


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